


A Case of You

by olderthanjoel



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, F/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:46:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24357520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/olderthanjoel/pseuds/olderthanjoel
Summary: Joel confronts "the big lie" with Ellie.
Relationships: Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	A Case of You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ThyDeviousViolet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThyDeviousViolet/gifts).
  * Inspired by [You Coulda Done Better, But I Don't Mind](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24082504) by [ThyDeviousViolet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThyDeviousViolet/pseuds/ThyDeviousViolet). 



> Ellie's encounter with Joel from his POV. He gets a chance to have his say.

Eventually, the sun started to peek its way through the windows. I hadn't slept at all. Now, I just wanted to sleep in a bed or a couch, hell, anywhere but this floor with the railing digging into my back. Any sleep to get my mind off all this stuff for a little while. I feel so numb I don't think I could even cry; which means it's safe to face her if I have to. 

I hear movement behind the door, and it cracks, ever so slightly. 

And there she is, her hair wild and shining like a halo with the light from the bathroom window behind her. Bloodshot eyes and a sad little smile. I shrug. She shakes her head a little.

We’re just staring at each other. She steps in front of me and stands looking down at me. I can’t move. I’ve done enough damage.  
  
“I made a mess of things,” I finally mumble, so soft even I almost don’t hear it. But I know she caught it.

Eventually she sits next to me against the rail. Not touching, but close. I want to wrap my arms around her and tell her that I will always protect her and be there for her, but now I fear that the man that can do that is part of the body count I left in Salt Lake City.

After a few moments (minutes? hours? days? lifetimes?) she takes her small hand and gently entwines her fingers in mine. _Please God, let there be a chance_. I look down at her and start. “Ellie, there’s some things about Salt Lake City that I need to tell you.”

She looks up at me, eyes flashing. “Now, Joel? We have to do this fucking now?”

“Ellie, I don’t hardly ever drink because alcohol works on me like a god-damned truth serum. If I have more than one or two drinks I’m going to say whatever comes to mind. For the last twenty years the only time I’ve ever let myself get drunk is on _her_ birthday. I’ve locked that up so tight that I need the booze to even be honest with myself. I go somewhere where there ain’t nobody else and I let those walls in my memory down. That’s why Tommy picked last night to ambush me. He didn’t just come by to talk about... Sarah.

“I love my brother, and he’s probably a better man than I am in most ways. But that don’t mean he’s an all up nice guy all the time either. I hate to malign our mama, God rest her soul, but there’s a lotta room above a son of a bitch like me for Tommy to be a bastard in the middle before we get to the nice guys.

“Right now I’m just sober enough to be able to pull together the words I need to say and still just drunk enough to be able to say ‘em. So yeah, ‘fucking now’ is a great time, if you’ll let me.”

She sighs. “You gotta be telling the truth. That’s more fucking words than I’ve ever heard you string together at one time, so tell me what you’ve gotta tell me. But don’t think that it’s going to mean that I’ll forgive you for what you’ve done.”

That makes me hurt in places inside that I thought had died with Sarah, but if I’ve got the chance to salvage anything I’d better take it.

“I don’t know how much of that tunnel in Salt Lake that you remember, ‘cause you got knocked out pretty hard, but you’d just finished saving my life - again.” I move our joined hands so the back of hers is resting against the scar left from where that rebar opened me up. “And we both got swept away in the current. I managed to get you out of the water. You weren’t breathin’. I was trying to get you going again when the Firefly patrol found us and instead of them helping me like I was asking I just got butt stroked.”

“You what‽” She looks very confused.

“They knocked me out with a rifle butt. That’s what ‘butt stroked’ means. I ain’t gonna ask what you mighta thought it meant.” She smiles. A little.

“I woke up with a splittin’ headache in a room with Marlene and one ‘a her goons. She tells me that they need to remove the fungus from you to be able to do anything. I reminded her that the fungus grows all around the brain. Kiddo, they were about to pull your brain right outta your head and not a one of ‘em, not even Marlene, thought that after all the time it took to us to get there that they could wait a day or two and ask you about it. I tried to talk, but just got roughed up. She ordered ‘em to throw me out and shoot me if I gave ‘em any trouble.

“I, uh, I decided to come find you instead. I heard ‘em all talkin’ while they hunted for me. They had orders to shoot ‘the smuggler’ on sight. All I wanted was to make ‘em wait until you could make your own decision, but they kept leavin’ me no options. Someday, ten or so years from now you can get me drunk and ask me what I done. I still want to protect you from that for a while - I ain’t gonna tell you now.

“We came too far for you to not get to make your own decision. By the time I managed to get to you I guess I’d also ruined your chances for making that decision. I’m sorry about that, but I’m not sorry I didn’t just leave and let them kill my… kill you.

“So we all took away your being able to make _that_ choice, but I did at least leave you with choices of your own. You can choose to hate me. You can choose to leave and ignore me and try to forget me. You can choose to stay, and… guess i’m sobering up, ‘cause I cain’t find the words, Baby Girl. But that’s the choice I hope you’ll make.”

_What was it Marlene said to me in that room? “Don’t waste this gift, Joel” - I’m holding that gift’s hand and trying like hell to tell her I love her without spooking her away with the word._

I’m a monster, and a liar, and a fucking mad man, but I’m also trying to be best man I can be.

For her. 

Suddenly, none of it matters. The Fireflies, the lie, the pain. It just doesn't matter.

It’s complicated. 

**Author's Note:**

> My friend ThyDeviousViolet chose Bob Dylan for her inspiration, but I think Joni Mitchell has Ellie and Joel figured out. If these lines don't describe their relationship I don't know what does.
> 
> _Oh, you're in my blood like holy wine_  
>  _You taste so bitter and so sweet_


End file.
